Back Again


I made it through one storm. I made through a bitter, backstabbing betrayal. Now, 4 years later and almost to the day, I find myself in the same predicament caused b the same person. How did I let this happen again? How in the world did I end up here yet again?! Why did I let this person back in my life? Why did I trust them? Why did I believe they hd grown from the first betrayal and had changed for the better? Well, for a while, they had. For a while, things were good. For a while, there was trust, there was honesty, there was integrity. When and why it ended, I have no idea. What hurts is that I did not get the memo. Apparently, I was supposed to just know and thereby also know that it was my fault. So what is different this time is this person is choosing to deflect and is trying to put the responsibility on me. Friends are supposed to communicate their feelings with each other. Friends, true friends, let each other know how they feel. A true friend will respect you enough to communicate with you. A true friend will accept responsibility for their actions and try to put the onus on you. True friends will let you know if they feel the friendship has begun to go in a negative direction. A true friend, a person who has even a modicum of respect for you and your friendship will let you know if they need time or space. Friends do not stop speaking to you, run to someone else without telling you, then blame it on you.

So, in this space I now find myself in, I must remind myself that I am worth much more. I must focus on healing and removing this cancer from my life. Let me tell you, this is not an easy thing to do. The pain I feel is great. It is a pain I have never felt before. My heart hurts, my body physically aches, I am experiencing anxiety, and have been having panic attacks any time something happens to remind me of this person. I still have to see this person watch as they flaunt their happiness in my face with no regard for the pain their actions has caused. How does one heal under these circumstances?

First things first, I must remove myself from this situation. I must remove myself from the environment that would cause me to see this person and effectively end all communication. This person does not get the privilege of my friendship ever again. This person does not get to take stock of any part of my heart or mind. I must do everything I can to purge them from my heart, mind, and life. I must do this despite the fact that everything in me is still drawn to them. I must do this in spite of missing this person and all the good times we shared. I must do this to protect myself. I must guard my heart against this person at all costs. Will I ever return to the environment that causes me to see this person? I imagine at some point, I will. When? That remains to be seen.

As I begin the purging process, in the midst of my tears and my pain, I have hope in my healing because the God I serve is bigger than this situation and is a healer of all. I hope that writing this out helps me to process this a litt more and to move forward. The crying is difficult, the anxiety is debilitating, and the panic attacks are crippling. I know it will stop. I know I will be okay. I know I will heal. I know there is much better out there for me. I will just be glad when that better finally gets here.

No Gifts for Christmas

No Shopping this year. Forget the Big Deals and Door Busters... I don't need them!

No Shopping this year. Forget the Big Deals and Door Busters… I don’t need them!

Buying gifts this is year is out of the question. With our recent move and all the reasons my kids school is finding to drain me of cash, Christmas gifts are not in the budget this year. No Black Friday lines or Cyber Monday deals for this chick. No toys, games, do-dads, trinkets, accessories, or the like. No nothing! I am not actually giving my children gifts this year, nor do I intend to shop for anyone else. This Christmas is about giving, and the love and effort that goes into each gift, not receiving.

There will however still be gift giving. I am going to teach my kids a lesson in giving, love, and the true meaning of Christmas this year. For Christmas Eve, my children and I will be up bright and early serving food to the homeless and needy. This will teach them to be grateful and appreciate the things they have, however little it may be. We will then spend the remainder of the day making homemade gifts for family and friends to add to the craft gifts we will have already completed by that time. The time we spend making craft gifts will not only help our family to bond, but it will also teach the children a valuable skill and build their character. The twins will develop patience and persistence while learning to crochet, build and construct projects, paint, and more, all of which can be built on and become hobbies and trades.

The Saturday before Christmas we will rise early to give away food at our church. Every month out church gives away big bags of food to the community. This month, we will be there front and center sorting through food, packing the bags, and handing it all out: another lesson in appreciation and a precursor to the impending breakfast we will serve a few days later to really drive the lesson home. There will be no big tree this year. I will decorate the house simply and beautifully with things we create and only a few store-bought items.

If you are wondering what we will be making, wonder no more! Here’s the short list of some of the crafts we will be doing.

  • crocheting scarves
  • making frames
  • baking cookies shaped like holiday themed items like candy canes and lollipops
  • baking breads and small cakes
  • making ornaments
  • making wreaths
  • gingerbread house

I’m sure we will add as we start working. If you need some inspiration, take a look at my Pinterest page. What are your thoughts on my ideas for this holiday season?

What will your family be doing this Christmas?

Note: I am a HUGE Peanuts fan, so Charlie Brown Christmas music will be playing. I will also be sneaking Charlie Brown and the rest of the gang into our decor and crafts. For those of you interested, “A Charlie Brown Christmas” airs on Tuesday, December 18th. We watch it every year and the kids love it. Hope your family loves it too.

Betrayal and Death… After the Smoke Clears

 

 

It has been almost five weeks since the bitter betrayal and almost 2 weeks since the passing of my stepfather. You can assume that this has been an emotionally trying month. How do you cry for an entire month? How do you feel upset for an entire month?

Once I got over the initial anger behind the betrayal, an whole new level of anger set in. You could have melted iron with the heat coming from my head and my heart.  Well, I’m over that too. Praise God for growth! Anger moved out and hurt took up residence. Not just any hurt. This clown brought baggage…distrust and resentment. No matter how hard I try, I can’t forget what has been done to me. Every time I see this person I am reminded of their bitter act of betrayal. It still hurts to my core.

As if that were not enough, I got the added bonus of dealing with the unexpected and very sudden death of my 57 year old healthy and able-bodied stepfather. He was strong as an ox. This man never smoked or drank anything a day in his life. He could ride his bike for miles putting me and all my friends to shame. Sure, we didn’t always get along or agree, but what teenage girl in her right mind gets along with her parents? He was my dad when my father wasn’t there, which, in this case was all the time.  I admit, I took for granted that he would always be there and did not take the time to fully appreciate him. Maybe that is why I am having such a difficult time with his passing. He knew how to make you laugh. He knew how to make you happy. He was there when you needed him. He truly loved his family and he showed it.

I am so glad I made amends with him years ago. We were able to forgive for the wrongs of the past and move forward. We never looked back. It was great! My kids loved him and so did I. I admonish you all… make amends while you can, whether you were right or wrong. Mend your relationships while there is still breath in your body. As much as his death hurts, it would hurt worse had I still been harboring ill feelings toward him. I got a few years of truly enjoying his smile and his laughter. Those memories are what get me through the tough moments.

Back to this friend that cut me deep… I was pleasantly surpsrised at the support this person provided when my stepfather passed. Daily they checked on me, reminded me that they were there for me, and showed concern for my well being. They were even at the funeral or home-going service, whichever you prefer. I did not know how I would react to this person trying to hug me. In this moment, I needed my friend, my bff, my ace boon, my confidant, and they were there. My friend embraced me in my tears and would not let go. They held on to me, holding me up while I melted in their arms like butter on a hot stove. That hug…that one particular hug from that one person was more comforting than any other hug I would receive that day. No disrespect to anyone who was there. There was just something about this hug. My friend stayed with me through the interment and repast making sure I was okay. Imagine my astonishment when I was met with an unforeseen, very unexpected, and even more savored surprise later the same day from this friend. After such a long and emotional day, I was so elated to end it on a high note.

There are so many opinions about my situation and the circumstances surrounding the demise of my relationship with my dear friend.  However, the only one that matters is mine. Despite the critics and the nay-sayers, I miss my friend.  You may not understand how I can still befriend this person on any level, much less be civil. That’s fine, you don’t have to understand or even agree.  You may even think me a fool for bothering to entertain this person. That’s fine too. I don’t care what you think. On this day, I needed my friend terribly, and they were there for me. I am thankful for that. I do not know what will happen with me and my friend. Only God knows that. I know that when I needed my friend, they were there.

Forgiveness is for you, not the other person.

And when ye stand praying , forgive , if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses. Mark 11:25

And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying , I repent ; thou shalt forgive him. Luke 17:4

I may not be ready to run back and accept my friend with open arms. I may not be able to pick up exactly where we left off. What I can do is acknowledge the pain and the hurt; recognize they are human and prone to mistakes; and forgive.

Poem to my Stepdad

Losing a loved one is never easy

This was my contribution to my stepfather’s obituary…

You took me in your arms from the gentle age of 2
Sugar is what you always asked for, giving the same in return
At 5 you made the promise permanent, “I will always love you”
Crumbs require a lot of attention, we would soon learn

We had our share of ups and downs
My teenage years were rough to say the least
It was a time of many frowns
You never stopped caring, even when I acted like a beast

“Gimme some sugar,” you would say to me
“Okaaaay,” was my reluctant reply
With a kiss on the cheek you were pleased as could be
You’d plant a huge one on mine in the blink of an eye

We may not have always agreed
Or seen eye to eye, but you were there
Whenever I was in need

You were many things to many people
A husband, a father, a brother, a friend
The impact you made is something remarkable
To this little girl, you were simply a my dad

Love,
Kimberly a.k.a. “Crumb Cakes”

Save Chocolate!

Daily Prompt
You have three hundred words to justify the existence of your favorite person, place, or thing. Failure to convince will result in it vanishing without a trace. Go!

Chocolate is vital to life on earth! We need it to survive!

Chocolate…

  • Decreases stroke risk
  • Boosts heart health: dark chocolate has inflammation-fighting properties, which reduce cardiovascular risk.
  • Rich in fiber: Because it’s rich in fiber, dark chocolate can actually help keep you full, so you’ll eat less,
  • May fight diabetes: A small Italian study from 2005 found that regularly eating chocolate increases insulin sensitivity, thereby reducing risk for diabetes.
  • Protects your skin: Dark chocolate is actually good for your skin. The type of antioxidants called flavonoids found in dark chocolate offer some protection from UV damage from the sun.
  • Provides relief from coughs: An ingredient in chocolate called theobromine seems to reduce activity of the vagus nerve, the part of the brain that triggers hard-to-shake coughs.
  • Makes you happy
  • Improves the flow of blood: Cocoa has anti-clotting, blood-thinning properties that work in a similar way to aspirin, which can improve blood flow and circulation.
  • Improves eyesight: Because of chocolate’s ability to improve blood flow, in particular to the brain,  chocolate may also increase blood flow to the retina, thereby giving vision a boost.
  • Increases your intelligence: That boost of blood flow to the brain created by cocoa’s flavanols seems to make people feel more awake and alert, and, in a small British study, perform better on counting tasks.

Bottom line…
If you are blind or have poor vision, eat chocolate and you’ll be able to see better. If you’re prone to stroke, diabetes, or heart disease, eat chocolate and you’ll improve your odds. If you’re cranky or have a bad cough, eat chocolate and you’ll feel better.  If you are not that smart, eat some chocolate, you’ll be a genius. If you like hanging out at the beach, eat some chocolate and give your sunscreen a boost.

The Point… Eat More Chocolate!

Source
10 Health Benefits of Chocolatehttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/03/28/chocolate-health-benefits_n_1383372.html

Eye of the Storm, That’s Where You Want to Be

The Storm

Daily Prompt
Your blog just became a viral sensation. What’s the one post you’d like new readers to see and remember you by? Write that post.

Here is my contribution…

Webster’s defines a storm as a disturbance of the atmosphere marked by wind and usually by rain, snow, hail, sleet, or thunder and lightning; and a disturbed or agitated state. A hurricane is one of the most devastating types of storms. For the purpose of this post, I will use hurricanes.

The Parts of the Hurricane

  1. Outflow
    The high level clouds moving clockwise out away from the hurricane. These clouds are indicative of air spreading out over the top of the storm, which is essential to its development.
  2. Feeder Bands
    These are squally bands of showers characterized by strong gusty winds and heavy rains. These bands become more pronounced as the storm intensifies, and are fed by the warm ocean.
  3. The Eyewall
    A band of clouds, strong winds and heavy rains surrounding the eye of the storm. At the eyewall, there is rapid movement of air toward the center and upward into the cloud.
  4. The Eye (This is where you want to be)
    What goes up must come down, so with the violent rising air converging toward the storm center at the eye, sinking air develops within. This air dries out, creating the clear, calm eye. Winds are very light here since the focus of convergence and hence strong winds are in the eyewall.

Now that we know what a storm consists of let me explain how this relates my life and my struggles. We all know that tornadoes and hurricanes are terribly horrid storms. They destroy everything in their paths. They blow through towns and cities with gusto that no living thing is able to withstand. So, why the heck would I want to be right in the center of it???

Well, if you are on top of the storm, you risk coming into contact with the Outflow. This is the part that gets the storm going. In real life application, this would be the rumors being spread, lies being told, acts of betrayal, and any other negative thing being done. The Outflow is where it all begins. All the things that are vital to creating the massive storm converge in the Outflow.

You don’t want to be near the Feeder Bands either. The storm is under way; there is no stopping it. In fact, the Feeder Bands is where the storm intensifies. This is where things go from bad to worse. Let’s apply this to real life. You’ve been lied on an decide to counter with another lie or a much worse truth. Now you are caught in a bitter battle of back and forth. Who can trump who and outmaneuver the other? The idea is not to make things worse, but to avoid being hit by the worst parts of the storm. You don’t want to be the one getting hit. Move out of the way!

If you thought the Feeder Bands were bad, then Eyewall is exponentially worse. This is where you can lose your mind. The strong winds rushing to and fro, the pouring down of rain, gusts of air rapidly uprooting foundations are all too much to bear. In this place, in the Eyewall, you can get caught up in the very mess you were trying to avoid. If that should happen, it will MESS YOU UP!

I have talked about wind and rain. The wind is an agent. It propels the storm and transports all the things that have been destroyed while destroying more. The wind carries rumors, lies, backbiting, deceit, betrayal; it uproots faith, healing, and deliverance. The rain drowns out the faith, healing, and deliverance, while the stormy waters pour out more rumors, lies, backbiting, deceit, and betrayal. There is nothing good about this storm. However, because “we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28. Now if we truly believe this then we know this storm is meant to better us. In the midst of the storm, God has something for us…a blessing or a lesson, maybe both. To get optimal results, you must remain safe and seek shelter in the storm…the Eye.

The Eye of the storm is the region of the most calm weather conditions. Wind and rain are mild, and the rage is quiet. It is in the Eye of the storm that you will find safety in His arms. While everything is bad around you, you are safe in the midst of it all. From the Eye, you can SEE the damage, but you don’t EXPERIENCE the damage. From the Eye, you will experience the storm, but not the consequences of the storm. Here, in the Eye, there is peace, calmness, and even stillness. You will have to move your position as the storm moves so that you remain in the Eye and do not get caught up in the Eyewall or Feeder Bands. In the Eye, you avoid the Outflow.In the Eye, you are safe… In the Eye, you are SAFE! In the Eye, you praise God. In the Eye, you thank God for your victory. In the Eye, you have clarity. In the Eye, God can grant you vision and sight…that means you can now see clearly.  In the Eye, you will find rest. In the Eye, you will find God. Stay in the Eye, if you do, no one can touch you.

You see, in the Feeder Bands are full of people saying and doing things to hurt you. The Feeder Bands are meant to crush your Spirit. The Eyewall is meant  to devastate you and make you feel lost. The Eyewall will cause you to lose your ground. Don’t let your haters and enemies have access to you. Stay in the Eye!

Once the storm is over, you will be able to STAND and SEE all the damage that has been done. Once the storm is over, you will be able to STAND and SEE! The enemy cannot keep you down. Stand on the Word and be encouraged. God promised He would never leave us nor forsake us. When trouble comes, He will protect us. Once the storm is over, you will come out victorious!

Note: Information about hurricanes was taken from http://www.accuweather.com/en/weather-blogs/HurricaneFacts/what-are-the-parts-of-a-hurric/31027

Bitter Backstabbing Betrayal, Pt. 2 – The Feelings

It’s Day #3 and I have run the ambit of feelings and emotions.

  • Disbelief
  • Disappointment
  • Heartache
  • Sadness
  • Extreme Pain
  • Anguish
  • Beaten
  • Betrayed
  • Confusion
  • Shattered
  • Weak
  • Broken
  • Loss
  • Foolish
  • Disgust
  • Outrage
  • Bitter
  • Sick
  • Nausea
  • Repulsion
  • Hurt
  • Devastation
  • Anger
  • Seditious
  • Resent
  • Insecurity
  • Embarrassment
  • Desperation
  • Rage
  • Numbness

I have cried. I have moaned. I have groaned. I have tried to rationalize. I have tried to make excuses. I even thought there was something I could have done to prevent it(that didn’t last long). I keep telling myself it’s not my fault. I am blessed to have such wonderful family and friends to support me through such a trying time. Healing from emotional wounds is far more difficult than healing from physical wounds. 

I am reminded of the scripture…
You will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You, Because he trusts in You. Isaiah 26:3

Backstabbing Bitter Betrayal

Sorry, this post is not very inspirational. Today, I’m ranting. If you find a lesson or can learn from my pain, then I’m happy.

People come into and out of our lives on a regular basis. Has there been a person enter your life that you thought would be there forever? They became your best friend and closest confidante. You found yourself wanting to hang out with and talk to this person all the time. You have built a great relationship, even spent time with each other’s families. You loved each other, or at least the other claimed to love you, so much nothing could tear you apart. Your love and devotion toward one another has been tried and tested before, but nothing could ever break your bond. Then, out of nowhere…BOOM!!!!

Like a sack of hot coals, it all comes crashing down. This person, your best friend, confidante, has taken a machete, shoved into your back, and twisted all in one movement. The wound is immediately treated with salt and washed with lemons. This tree hugging hippie has betrayed you in a way you never thought possible. You never even thought they were capable of such treachery. What they did makes the Judas kiss look like a frolic in the park. I mean, they committed such duplicitous treason that you cannot even fathom what they have done. Has this ever happened to you?

Well it happened to me. Let me tell you, it has literally turned my world upside down. In the last 24 hours, I have experienced, sadness, gut-wrenching pain, heart ache, deceit, shock, disgust, disappointment, feelings of betrayal, loss, insecurity, anger, disbelief, denial, embarrassment, and an entire array of emotions I am unable to identify or coherently explain. It is as if this person planned a barrage on my heart. Questions, so many questions have entered my mind, some of which I did not have answers for. With so much at stake, all the risks, and everything to lose this nincompoop did it anyway. The one question I do not have a sufficient answer for is, “Why?” How could someone so close to me be so selfish? Yes, stupidity obviously but, really why? Did they not consider for one instant how this would affect you or those around you who have come to rely on our bond? NO! The selfish jerk was only thinking of him/herself. Why am I even bothering to protect this jerk’s identity? Why do I keep the details of the betrayal private despite the significance of the pain and the circumstances behind it? I have no freaking clue!

Pain and hurt do not adequately explain what I am feeling. Oh how I would love to choke the mess out of this quack until their eyes pop out and their tongue flails about. How do I go about getting over this? Forgiveness is for me, not the other person. Honestly, I do not want to forgive. All I can do is cry and pray and my prayers right now are just vocal tears.

God, help me!

I am reminded of 2 scriptures…

Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:10

and

Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I am weak; O Lord, heal me, for my bones are troubled. Psalm 6:2

I have been listening to “Can I Lay in Your Arms” by Donald Lawrence all day. I mean it has quite literally been on repeat the entire day.

Day #1
Cry out to God and seek His comfort. This hurts like the devil!!!!