Back Again

I made it through one storm. I made through a bitter, backstabbing betrayal. Now, 4 years later and almost to the day, I find myself in the same predicament caused b the same person. How did I let this happen again? How in the world did I end up here yet again?! Why did I let this person back in my life? Why did I trust them? Why did I believe they hd grown from the first betrayal and had changed for the better? Well, for a while, they had. For a while, things were good. For a while, there was trust, there was honesty, there was integrity. When and why it ended, I have no idea. What hurts is that I did not get the memo. Apparently, I was supposed to just know and thereby also know that it was my fault. So what is different this time is this person is choosing to deflect and is trying to put the responsibility on me. Friends are supposed to communicate their feelings with each other. Friends, true friends, let each other know how they feel. A true friend will respect you enough to communicate with you. A true friend will accept responsibility for their actions and try to put the onus on you. True friends will let you know if they feel the friendship has begun to go in a negative direction. A true friend, a person who has even a modicum of respect for you and your friendship will let you know if they need time or space. Friends do not stop speaking to you, run to someone else without telling you, then blame it on you.

So, in this space I now find myself in, I must remind myself that I am worth much more. I must focus on healing and removing this cancer from my life. Let me tell you, this is not an easy thing to do. The pain I feel is great. It is a pain I have never felt before. My heart hurts, my body physically aches, I am experiencing anxiety, and have been having panic attacks any time something happens to remind me of this person. I still have to see this person watch as they flaunt their happiness in my face with no regard for the pain their actions has caused. How does one heal under these circumstances?

First things first, I must remove myself from this situation. I must remove myself from the environment that would cause me to see this person and effectively end all communication. This person does not get the privilege of my friendship ever again. This person does not get to take stock of any part of my heart or mind. I must do everything I can to purge them from my heart, mind, and life. I must do this despite the fact that everything in me is still drawn to them. I must do this in spite of missing this person and all the good times we shared. I must do this to protect myself. I must guard my heart against this person at all costs. Will I ever return to the environment that causes me to see this person? I imagine at some point, I will. When? That remains to be seen.

As I begin the purging process, in the midst of my tears and my pain, I have hope in my healing because the God I serve is bigger than this situation and is a healer of all. I hope that writing this out helps me to process this a litt more and to move forward. The crying is difficult, the anxiety is debilitating, and the panic attacks are crippling. I know it will stop. I know I will be okay. I know I will heal. I know there is much better out there for me. I will just be glad when that better finally gets here.