Betrayal and Death… After the Smoke Clears

 

 

It has been almost five weeks since the bitter betrayal and almost 2 weeks since the passing of my stepfather. You can assume that this has been an emotionally trying month. How do you cry for an entire month? How do you feel upset for an entire month?

Once I got over the initial anger behind the betrayal, an whole new level of anger set in. You could have melted iron with the heat coming from my head and my heart.  Well, I’m over that too. Praise God for growth! Anger moved out and hurt took up residence. Not just any hurt. This clown brought baggage…distrust and resentment. No matter how hard I try, I can’t forget what has been done to me. Every time I see this person I am reminded of their bitter act of betrayal. It still hurts to my core.

As if that were not enough, I got the added bonus of dealing with the unexpected and very sudden death of my 57 year old healthy and able-bodied stepfather. He was strong as an ox. This man never smoked or drank anything a day in his life. He could ride his bike for miles putting me and all my friends to shame. Sure, we didn’t always get along or agree, but what teenage girl in her right mind gets along with her parents? He was my dad when my father wasn’t there, which, in this case was all the time.  I admit, I took for granted that he would always be there and did not take the time to fully appreciate him. Maybe that is why I am having such a difficult time with his passing. He knew how to make you laugh. He knew how to make you happy. He was there when you needed him. He truly loved his family and he showed it.

I am so glad I made amends with him years ago. We were able to forgive for the wrongs of the past and move forward. We never looked back. It was great! My kids loved him and so did I. I admonish you all… make amends while you can, whether you were right or wrong. Mend your relationships while there is still breath in your body. As much as his death hurts, it would hurt worse had I still been harboring ill feelings toward him. I got a few years of truly enjoying his smile and his laughter. Those memories are what get me through the tough moments.

Back to this friend that cut me deep… I was pleasantly surpsrised at the support this person provided when my stepfather passed. Daily they checked on me, reminded me that they were there for me, and showed concern for my well being. They were even at the funeral or home-going service, whichever you prefer. I did not know how I would react to this person trying to hug me. In this moment, I needed my friend, my bff, my ace boon, my confidant, and they were there. My friend embraced me in my tears and would not let go. They held on to me, holding me up while I melted in their arms like butter on a hot stove. That hug…that one particular hug from that one person was more comforting than any other hug I would receive that day. No disrespect to anyone who was there. There was just something about this hug. My friend stayed with me through the interment and repast making sure I was okay. Imagine my astonishment when I was met with an unforeseen, very unexpected, and even more savored surprise later the same day from this friend. After such a long and emotional day, I was so elated to end it on a high note.

There are so many opinions about my situation and the circumstances surrounding the demise of my relationship with my dear friend.  However, the only one that matters is mine. Despite the critics and the nay-sayers, I miss my friend.  You may not understand how I can still befriend this person on any level, much less be civil. That’s fine, you don’t have to understand or even agree.  You may even think me a fool for bothering to entertain this person. That’s fine too. I don’t care what you think. On this day, I needed my friend terribly, and they were there for me. I am thankful for that. I do not know what will happen with me and my friend. Only God knows that. I know that when I needed my friend, they were there.

Forgiveness is for you, not the other person.

And when ye stand praying , forgive , if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses. Mark 11:25

And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying , I repent ; thou shalt forgive him. Luke 17:4

I may not be ready to run back and accept my friend with open arms. I may not be able to pick up exactly where we left off. What I can do is acknowledge the pain and the hurt; recognize they are human and prone to mistakes; and forgive.

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